SIGN PEOPLE TO STUFF!!!!1!!one

I don't know about you folks, but I have had just about enough of Lou sitting on his hands and doing nothing here. I demand results! I bought tickets to two separate games off of StubHub this past year so I'm pretty sure the team owes me some answers. Sure they FINALLY grew a set and drafted Adam Larsson (took them long enough, I would have drafted him back in May) but what about everything else? Research and due diligence are for suckers, so I'm going to tell you how to fix this team in a few easy steps, Lou. Your mind has clearly been clouded by all of your experience and hockey knowledge so it's time to hand the reigns over to someone who has it all figured out. ME.

1.) SIGN ZACH PARISE

I don't even know where to begin. It is an absolute embarrassment the way this organization has treated Zach since the season ended. I would have signed him and announced it by the time the press conference after the last game of the season was over. He should be treated like a king. At the very least, an army of butlers should have been sent to his home to wait on his every whim during contract negotiations. I would have signed him to a 20 year, $200 million contract if I had to, just to ensure we never had to entertain the though of a life without Zach. He is the face of the franchise; the ladies swoon when they see him. THEY SWOON, LOU! DON'T YOU GET IT?!

Now I'm sure you have a plethora of flimsy excuses for waiting this long: We were focusing on the draft.; I have a hockey team to run and cannot afford to overcommit to a player before I know exactly how much money I will have available to sign him and still have enough space to fill out a team.; I'm a big doo-doo head.

It's ridiculous. And with the snipes you've been taking at Zach, especially after filing for arbitration, I don't see why he would even want to come back. For instance:  "We’ll certainly do everything we can to sign him. We will certainly do what is within our rights to make sure we keep him," "We’ll continue to work toward a long-term agreement and we’ll just go from here," and "We both have the right intentions and we have to find a way to get it done." You monster, I'm not sure how you sleep at night.

2.) TRADE ALL OF OUR BAD CONTRACTS TO THE FLORIDA PANTHERS

How this has not been done yet, I will never know. Rolston, Zubrus, White, Clarkson... all bums with undesirable contracts. This is why we need to trade all of them for first - or at the very least, second - round picks. Oh, some of them have no-trade clauses, eh? Just give them Indian burns (Native American burns?) on their forearms until they waive it.

The Panthers - being the second rate dog and pony show that they are - are prime candidates for us to dump all of our trash on. They have to reach the cap floor somehow. What are they going to do, sign/trade for players they actually want or think will ultimately help lead the team to success? I'm not even sure they are allowed to do that per the NHL bylaws (which you should know all about by now, Lou)! They are the PANTHERS, so obviously they are run by a bunch of idiots anyway. Seriously who puts a hockey team in Miami? LOLZ!

3.) CALL UP ALL OF OUR PROSPECTS IMMEDIATELY

They are all awesome. Right now. Without fail. Some people will say throwing a rookie into a situation where they are completely overmatched is detrimental to the team as well as that player's development. Those people are a-holes. Don't listen to them.

4.) SIGN A COACH

I find it ridiculous that we have gone all the way through the draft and are still without a coach. We all know from recent experience that coaches are pretty unimportant to the success of a team, so I don't see why you're putting so much thought into it, Lou. Just plug any old d-bag into that role and the team will thrive. Ken Hitchcock, Mike Keenan, Barry Switzer, Kirk Mueller (did I spell his name wrong? Who cares, it's a coach ROFLCOPTER!!), it doesn't matter, just get it done. The sooner, the better.

So there's my bulletproof plan. Feel free to criticize it, but be warned, I have a caps lock key and I am not afraid to use it.