Disclaimer: The following is not a real article, but rather my (poor) attempt at sarcasm/The Onion type of NJD related writing. It is in honor of the joy I feel over our recent string of wins, and oh yeah, the free time I have from getting the day off.
While addressing the media after today’s practice, Devils Captain and star left wing Zach Parise was asked to share his thoughts on the performance of head coach Pete DeBoer so far and whether he would want DeBoer back behind the bench next season should Parise choose to re-sign with New Jersey.
"Sure, I mean there’s no doubt I would want him back," Parise said. "He’s done a great job making the transition to a new organization and getting us prepared without having the benefit of time on his side. I think we’ve felt and played confidently with him behind the bench and that our current position in the playoff race speaks for itself."
But in what was surely an awkward moment for both members of the media and Devils staff, Parise continued his response as if he had no idea that a coach in New Jersey could serve more than one year behind the bench.
"With that said, I guess each organization is unique in the way it operates," he said. "No matter where you go, there’s always going to be little changes in style and it’s no different here. Lou has a system in place, and one part of that system involves having the head coach either quit or be fired at some point during or shortly after each season. Would I love to have Pete back next year? Yeah, of course, but as a team I think we all know that’s against the rules. Collectively, we feel like Lou has a formula that recent years has shown to be very successful and I think it’s one that works and that we’re confident in. We’re a club that’s completely committed towards a championship; unfortunately we can’t let Pete’s second year get in the way of that. But I’m sure that he and Lou talked about this prior to Pete even being hired here, so he knew that eventually it was coming and that he’d have until at least late December to audition himself for a gig with another team next year."
At this point a member of the Devils PR staff attempted to interject but Parise passionately continued.
"Obviously it’s tough to know someone has to lose their job, especially when it’s a guy like Pete," Parise said. "But one year term limits are just another staple of how this organization operates; coaches definitely aren’t the only ones affected by Lou’s management style. I’ll give you an example, and not many people know about this because Patty (Elias) is a quiet guy, but there are few things he loves more than the mustache he’s able to grow each summer while home in the Czech Republic."
"Now we all know that another part of Lou’s leadership involves a complete ban on facial hair," Parise continued. "So, every year I’ve been here has started off the same way. A week before the preseason camp begins; Patty will fly back into Newark sporting a mustache he’s more proud of than all of his Stanley Cups and his daughter Gabriella combined. He’ll tell us that he’d spent the entire offseason growing it, but the end result is always so scraggly and pathetic that it makes a playoff Sidney Crosby look like he’s Brian Wilson. Because of this, most of us are typically embarrassed to be seen with Patty during that first week before camp starts. In fact I think Mattias Tedenby is still the only guy on the team who’s ever actually seemed to be legitimately and sincerely impressed by Patty’s facial hair. Of course we’d never admit that to him though, because everyone in our room knows how much that ‘stache means to him. That’s why we’re really grateful that we can rely on the veteran presence of Marty to spend the night before each year’s training camp at Patty’s house, where he can ensure that Patty is as clean shaven and mentally sound for the start of preseason as possible."
At this point in the press conference, members of the media were understandably shocked over the content being discussed. Tom Gulitti, widely regarded as being more closely in-tune with the happenings of the organization than anyone else in the media, lay dead on the floor with a heart attack. Rich Chere, seated closest to the aisle to ensure his desktop computer could be powered by a wall outlet, was still trying to figure out how to send the "Parise press conference is starting now" Tweet he had typed 45 minutes earlier. Chico Resch, seated dead center in the first row, continued to stare intently at Parise, raise his hands, and nod as if everything he had just heard made sense, but this was ignored because it’s always how Chico acts when he’s sleepwalking. Steve Cangialosi, normally praised for his punctuality, was dropped off for the day by his mom and apologized to everyone while stating they had experienced bad traffic.
With no questions to answer, Parise left the podium and returned to the locker room, still very unsure about both his future and next coach.