I'm here today to talk to you about a very important subject. This is a subject that touches us all. It's a subject that keeps me awake at night, even more than world hunger or those Sara McLachlan commercials where she tries to get people to adopt abused animals, and they show pictures of abused animals and it's really sad and the play sad music and the animals stare at the camera all sad-eyed, and you just want to cry....I'm sorry, what was I talking about?
Oh right, I came here to talk to you about a very important subject: disrespect. Disrespect toward what, you ask? Toward our team? Toward a player? Toward your own mother (yes, I'm talking to you, Jeffrey!) (I really hope there's a Jeffrey reading this. Bet I totally freaked you out, huh buddy?). Read on after the jump and find out.
Hey, I'm glad you decided to read past the jump. Ok, so yeah, remember how I was saying there's some disrespect, and it's really important? Well, I'm talking about the disrespect toward Andy Greene's beard, and the most disconcerting part of this disrespect is that it is largely coming from Devils fans. There is a very significant number of people even on this very site who are guilty of this crime against beards (I won't name names, but we know who you are and you should be ashamed, and by "we" I mean the beard and I).
Why, just yesterday there was a post about playoff beards, and all one has to do is visit that thread to witness this vile disregard of the greatness and grandiosity of The Great Beard of the Greene.
There are people who actually exist and who posses -- quite bafflingly, I might add -- normally developed brains, and yet somehow hold the opinion that David Clarkson has a better beard. REALLY? You go on the Internet, and you spew this filth? You know that your comments here will be on the Internet somewhere until the apocalypse comes, right? Because down the road you will wish that you hadn't said this through a medium that will lead to its eternal existence in the bowels of the Internet superhighway, and one day you'll wish you hadn't said it. One day a potential employer will Google you, see that comment, and make an immediate decision to not hire you.
This issue is like civil rights. Sooner or later, history will judge you. And that judgment will be harsh.
Let me tell you something about playoff beards. Playoff beards aren't judged on neatness. They're not judged on whose beard is the prettiest. What is this, an election for a high school's class president? NO! Playoff beards are measured by three categories, AND ONLY THREE: Density, lushness, and Viewing Experience (the last one refers to how pleasurable the viewing of the beard is for the observer, and this is enjoyment is measured by the performance in the first two categories). These are the only ways a playoff beard is judged, because a playoff beard is a special kind of beard. It's not about looking nice. It's not about being groomed. In fact, any grooming at all whatsoever results in AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION.
I conclusion, Andy Greene's beard is the best, grandest, most splendid, stupendous, stupefyingly resplendent beard in these playoffs. It is a beard of the highest order. It is a symbol even in the annals of beard history of greatness. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BEARD OF ANDY GREENE IS A BEARD WORTH IMMENSE RESPECT, A LEADER WHICH TO FOLLOW. IT IS THE BEARD.
AND THIS BEARD HAS A TWITTER ACCOUNT: https://twitter.com/BeardofGreene Period. End of story. Vote in the poll NOW.
Do you believe Andy Greene has the best beard among all the players remaining in the playoffs?
Yes (44 votes)
No, because I am either an idiot or contrarian of some sort. There is no other explanation for my abhorrent behavior. (7 votes)
I used to believe no, but you have showed me the error of my ways...and, frankly, it's shocking that I could even belieave something so terrible. (14 votes)
65 total votes