Tension Mounts Inside the Prudential Center

Pete Deboer, looking chipper. - USA TODAY Sports

Take a look inside the Prudential Center for a totally real and not made up day around the team facilities.

[General manager's office, the Prudential Center]

Coach Pete: You wanted to see me, Lou?

Lou Lamoriello: Come on in, Peter. Close the door and have a seat.

I just wanted to voice some of my concerns with how the team has started out this season. Winless in six games, Peter. That is not Devils hockey. This is a proud franchise, and as you know, we do not tolerate anything less than the best here in New Jersey. What do we need to work on to make this team better?

Pete: I just think we are having some growing pains as a hockey team here. There are a lot of new faces on offense and we're just trying to get everyone on the same page. I think we've gotten some bad breaks here and there and the defense has struggled with assignments at times. I know you believe in the system we have here, we just need guys to execute a little better, you know?

Lou: So you think the players need to be a bit better? [Eyes button labeled "Open Trap Door/Release the Hounds"] Something wrong with the roster I've assembled for you here, Peter?

Pete: N- No, sir, of course not. The coaching staff is working hard to get things fixed and I think we have everything we need in that locker room, we just need everyone to sharpen up a bit, myself included. We can right the ship, here, I know it.

Lou: Good. Good to hear. I have some stuff here from the scouting department on Ottawa. [Hands Pete a binder, stack of old newspaper clippings falls out]

Pete: [Looks at clippings. They are a bunch of old stories on the firings of various Devils coaches.] Uh...

Lou: Oh sorry about that, Peter, I was just doing some light reading before and you know how things get messy here in the office.

Pete: Yeah... [Looks around, sees that rest of office is impeccably organized. Also catches a glimpse of a large portrait of Jacques Lemaire hanging on the wall behind Lou's desk.] Sir, is there something you're trying to-

Lou: Well, I think this has been a very constructive conversation, Peter, and I have the utmost faith that you and your staff will be able to turn things around. You have a practice to run soon, don't you?

Pete: [Wipes sweat from his ample brow] Right, of course. Have a good day, sir.

Lou: Thank you, Peter. [Considers trap door button one more time; decides against it] You, as well.

-----------------

[Interior of Devils' locker room; Sandstorm by Darude is blasting through the locker room speakers]

Coach Pete: Fellas, listen up! Dainius, can you please?!?

[A sullen Dainius Zubrus puts down his glow sticks and shuts off his iPod]

Pete: Okay, boys. We're really into crunch time here, no wins in six games is not the way to start a season. We need to- Hey, where is Anton?

Andy Greene: Volchie got in the door just after the rest of us, he's on his way to the locker room. Should be here in 25 minutes or so.

Random Mustachioed Locker Room Attendant: [Under his breath] Pff, someone forgot to bring his Rascal scooter.

Pete: Hey, you, what was that??

Random Mustachioed Locker Room Attendant: Uh, nothing sir. [Fake mustache falls off, revealing Mark Fayne]

Pete: DAMMIT FAYNE, WHO LET YOU OUT OF THE SUPPLY CLOSET?!?

Fayne: Well actually, JJ was the one who busted down the door to get us out. He's in the hospital now after shattering all of the bones in the right side of his body.

Pete: Ugh. I-

Adam Larsson: Coach, I have to go potty.

Pete: For the last time, Adam, you don't have to ask me permission. Just toss me those dry-erase markers and go.

Larsson: [Tentatively passes markers in Coach Pete's direction, but they are immediately picked off by a locker room attendant going the other way] Oops!

Marek Zidlicky: I gotcha, Coach. [Grabs markers from attendant. Tosses them to Pete but the markers again hit a staff member going the opposite direction] My bad.

Pete: [Head in hands] Okay. Well I was going to draw up some strategies we should be working on for today's practice, but maybe I'll just fire up the ol' line blender and we can aimlessly chase the puck around the rink. There has to be some combination that gets us a win. [Panicked now] Right? I mean, Bryce how do you feel about playing 37 minutes next game?

[Salvador nods.]

YEAH, THATS THE ANSWER, NEED MORE BRYCE. GIO WE GOTTA GET YOU OUT AGAINST THE TOP LINES MORE, TOO. THIS IS THE WINNING STRATEGY, I CAN FEEL IT. FAYNE, YOU'RE STILL BENCHED AHAHAHAH-

Travis Zajac: Coach, are you feeling okay?

Peter Harrold: [Confused] Hey guys, where's Kovy?

Coach Pete: I'm doomed.

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Author's Note: Okay, there's a slight chance this didn't actually happen.

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